Every time I ever allowed her in, it hurts her that much more when I have to push her away. I can tell my response just killed her, but I've given her enough false hope. A far cry from the apathy I'm attempting to convey and an even farther cry from the urge I have to beg her not to go. The lack of emotion behind my words could be misconstrued as hateful. I don't even recognize my own voice when I tell her goodbye. I want to love you so much it fucking hurts. She's here because she still has hope that I can love her back. She's here because she fell in love with me, even though I told her not to.
She says she's here to say good-bye, but that's not why she's here, and she knows it. Every time I'm around her, I have to fight it, so I try not to see her with anything other than my eyes this time. Every time I'm with her, her eyes and her mouth and her voice and her smile find every vulnerable spot on me to breach. When I really look at her, it's too much. Chapter thirty-six MILES Present day Her eyes finally find the courage to meet mine, but I try not to see her.
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